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您的位置：健客網(wǎng) > 精神病頻道 > 精神疾病 > 強迫抑郁 > 那種感覺就好像被困在雪崩之后的50英尺積雪下——Nochy與抑郁癥的故事

那種感覺就好像被困在雪崩之后的50英尺積雪下——Nochy與抑郁癥的故事

2018-04-20 來源：ItGetsBrighter  標(biāo)簽： 掌上醫(yī)生 喝茶減肥 一天瘦一斤 安全減肥 cps聯(lián)盟 美容護膚
摘要：我被困住了。我能感受到自己被困住了。當(dāng)曾經(jīng)飄落于我睫毛的美麗的雪花凝固成包圍我、緊貼我的巨石的時候，我感到我無處可逃。一切都變得那么黑暗，刺眼的黑暗伴隨著雪花反射太陽的光，刺痛了我的雙眼。
Today's story comes from Nochy, who sees herself as a giggle pot, a perfectionist, a bossy wife, the Bearalist, a fan of Dr Seuss, and an expert in making fish face impressions. Occasionally she works as a play consultant and writes about mental health issues, based in Beijing.
 
今天的故事來自Nochy，她自認(rèn)為是一個愛笑的人，一個完美主義者，一個霸道的妻子，小熊治療法的忠實擁護者，Seuss醫(yī)生的粉絲以及一個做魚臉表情的專家。有時候她是一個娛樂顧問并且寫一寫有關(guān)精神疾病的文章，常住于北京。
 
A simple search on the Internet gives you a list of symptoms as loss of motivation, loss of appetite, lethargy, suicide ideations etc… But these as a matter of fact theories do not do sufferers of depression any justice as to the hell they go through.
 
在網(wǎng)絡(luò)上做一個簡單的搜索，你就會得到一系列例如喪失積極性，失去胃口，無精打采，有自殺的念頭等癥狀。但是事實上，這些理論并無法準(zhǔn)確地體現(xiàn)出抑郁癥遭受者所經(jīng)歷的那黑暗的一切。
 
Other sufferers probably describe it differently. Some say the “dark dog", some say the "bottomless pit of hell." For me, it was "snow"...
 
其他患者可能會有不同的描述方式。有些說它是“黑色的狗”，有些說它是“地獄的無底深坑”。而對我而言，它是“冰雪”……
 
In the worst days, I felt trapped under 50 feet of snow after an avalanche. I could not breathe, I was squished, I could not move, I didn’t know what was going on, and I couldn’t push out or up however hard I tried.
 
在最糟糕的那些日子里，我感覺就好像被困在雪崩之后的50英尺積雪下。我無法呼吸，我被擠壓著，我無法移動，我不知道發(fā)生了什么，我也無法向外或是向上逃脫出去，無論我多么用力地嘗試。
 
I could however, see people watching me trapped, telling me not to panic, that help is on the way. They tried to distract me from focusing on my immediate situation. They tried to tell me that I would get out soon. They tried to tell me there were others in more destitute circumstances than me.
 
No use.
 
然而我能做的是，看見人們注視著被困住的我，他們告訴我不要慌亂，已經(jīng)有人來幫我了。他們試圖把我的注意力從我這樣緊急的情況上分散開去。他們試著告訴我，我馬上就能出去了。他們試著告訴我，有許多人正處于比我更絕望的處境里。
 
而這一切都是徒勞。
 
I was trapped. I felt I was trapped. I felt there was no way out as the once beautiful snowflakes on my eyelashes solidified into boulders around me, against me. It became all dark, blindingly dark with the luminosity of the snow reflecting the sun. It stung my eyes.
 
我被困住了。我能感受到自己被困住了。當(dāng)曾經(jīng)飄落于我睫毛的美麗的雪花凝固成包圍我、緊貼我的巨石的時候，我感到我無處可逃。一切都變得那么黑暗，刺眼的黑暗伴隨著雪花反射太陽的光，刺痛了我的雙眼。
 
Whatever anyone told me, my reality to myself was that I was trapped, and that there was no way out.
 
不管是誰告訴我的任何事情，我能感知到的事實卻只有我被困住了，我無法逃脫。
 
I was freezing, and it was excruciating. I was drenched in somber darkness, or is it brightness, and it just kept getting darker and deeper and darker and deeper and suddenly brighter and even more confusing. I couldn’t understand why I was stuck and why I couldn’t get out. I see the avalanche snowballing but there is no energy in my bones to run away. I couldn't lift a finger.
 
我被凍僵了，這真是痛苦極了。我沉浸在悲傷的黑暗，或是光明里，它只是一直不停地變得更黑，更深沉，更黑，更深沉，又突然變得那么明亮，讓我困惑不已。我無法理解為什么我被困住，為什么我無法逃離。我看見崩塌下來的雪球堆積但我卻沒有任何能量挪動我的身軀。我甚至無法抬起我的一根手指。
 
I hated myself for tumbling down and getting stuck.
 
So the most appropriate thing to do then, in that trapped logic, was to die instead of going through the torture of confinement.
 
我厭惡這個跌倒并且被困住的自己。
 
此刻最合適的事，在這個被困住的心境下，不是承受這樣痛苦的監(jiān)禁，而是死去。
 
This is how it felt for me. Perhaps this is the reason why I developed some claustrophobic tendencies and do not enjoy small places, or large venues with crowds and little personal space. Crushed under, nowhere to go.
 
One can’t simply snap out from under 50 feet of snow.
 
這就是我的感受。也許這就是我為什么有患幽閉恐懼癥的趨勢，也是我為什么不喜歡小地方、擁擠而無私人空間的大場館的原因。被擠壓著，無處可逃。沒有一個人可以輕而易舉地鉆出50英尺的積雪。
 
It is no joke.
 
In a destitute form like this, only we can lift ourselves up, and out.
 
這不是一個笑話。
 
在這樣一個極端的環(huán)境里，只有我們能把自己舉起來，逃出去。
 
Today yes, today I still feel like this sometimes, mulling over why I even bother to write. What's the point of it all? But at least, I now know it's possible to get out of this snow box bit by bit, and manage the pain and ache I have inside.
 
It can be done.
 
今天呢？是的，現(xiàn)在我仍然有時候會有那樣的感受，會反復(fù)思量我為什么要花費心思寫作。這究竟有什么意義？但是至少，現(xiàn)在我知道了我是有可能一點一點爬出這個冰雪盒子的，我也是能夠?qū)Ω赌切﹣碜詢?nèi)心的痛苦的。
 
這是能被解決的。
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